As a couples therapist, I talk a lot about people who have different styles of communication, and about different styles of struggle. I usually explain this by saying that some people have a higher tolerance for volatility in arguments than others.
Highly sensitive people (or HSP) tend to fall into the far end of this continuum. If you are HSP, you feel overwhelmed by a conflict and a particularly volatile conflict. What does it mean to be HSP? Elaine Aron, Ph.D., wrote a very sensitive person and a very sensitive person in love. If you are a HSP, you have some of the following attributes or preferences.
- You're slowly warming up for people, and they are described as shy.
-You like to spend a lot of time either alone or with a small number of people
-You feel exhausted by the crowds
-You feel excessive irritation with loud sounds and bright colors
-Your feelings hurt a lot
-You tend to think deeper about things
-You feel that you are tired of scratching fabrics and labels in clothes
-You want downtime to feel rested
Being very sensitive has a big impact on how you are with your partner. Two HSPs in a pair can quite easily find a convenient way to communicate. If you are very sensitive and your assistant is not, you have some problems. Here I will focus on your problems in the arguments.
Here is an example: in some couples, HSP was so stunned and offended that their partner said in battle that they still felt pain, months or years later. I heard people say, "It goes through my head again and again." An HSP partner may feel upset, protected and even feel as if their sensitive friend cannot please. They may feel as if they are walking on an egg-shell, as if they cannot win. They feel that their partner keeps discontent and simply does not want to let go of things. They end up blaming their partner for overreaction.
It is important to understand that HSPs do not pursue these goals. Being very sensitive is part of some people, and sensitivity cannot be turned off. If any of you are very sensitive, you need tools to get through the arguments so that you both hear. Each of you has every right to your feelings and your position in your conflicts. The tools will help you get these things without accidentally leaving a very sensitive person, sick and overloaded.
And if you are HSP, do yourself a big favor and work on understanding and communicating with this aspect of yourself. See the book “Highly Sensitive Person” to learn more. You will find that you have no defects, and that there are many ways to customize your life that complement your style, so you do not constantly swim in the stream.
